Invasion of the Wizard Seagulls - A Surreal Fanfic

By David Toborg 

I knew it was the end of the world when a seagull ate my sister. It took a few months, but Charlotte of Britain had taken over the seagulls and used her wizard powers to control them, and take over the world. Indonesia was now called Ronland, named after Ron of Indonesia, Britain was Wizardville named after Wizard Charlotte, Australia (the country) was now known as Daphneville named after Daphne of Australia, and Italy was now Burgerland, named after Christine Burger of Italy.  

The whole world was fighting the seagull army. Wizard Charlotte of Britain was their boss, Sir Phillip of Library (or Mr. Freeze) was the second in command, Christine Burger was third in rank, and Daphne and Ron were tied for fourth. My companions Emily of Spain, Judith of Israel, and Margaret Franklin of Millstone Hill were helping me (Nicholas Managa of Ice Cream) return our planet to it’s previously abnormal state. My friend Xavier Haigh of Spaulding Cross Country was working with Margaret in the Riddler- Cave to keep its location secret. I am one of four people to know the secret location of the Riddler-Cave.

The other three are Xavier (the RIddler), Margaret, and Emily. I had been given the task of making a seagull affecting disease. Judith was figuring out how to spread it, and another friend King Arthur Hamlin of Colonists was making plans for a secret factory in the Riddler-Cave. Xavier, Emily, and Margaret were using the Alf-Computer to get the plans, and the Cat-Diamond to build it. By the way I’m a ninja butler, Alfred. I was Batman’s butler, but he didn’t pay me enough, so the Riddler took advantage, and paid me double that of Batman. We needed to stop Charlotte’s evil army immediately. 

I entered the Riddler-Cave only to find Christine torturing Margaret, Xavier, and Emily with persuasive essays! Then King Arthur Hamlin of Colonists (Who didn’t know the location) entered the Riddler-Cave with an army of seagulls. “Surrender to our seagulls.” Christine said.   

“King Arthur, why would you betray us and join the wizard army?” I asked. “Because I want to take over the world to, he-he-he-he.” Arthur said. “And I gave you instructions to build a bomb that will explode in 50 seconds.” We ran out of the Riddler-Cave, but Emily of Spain didn’t make it. “Not my Riddler-Cave!” Xavier said, and Margaret brought out Emily’s dead body, and we started staring at him with a frown. “Oh yeah, no not Emily she was our best tennis player.” 

By now you probably think this is a fictitious story, I wish I could think the same. You are a very lucky human being to be able to think that, but you haven’t learned much in history if you don’t know of the bird invasion of earth. We relocated to the Pengy-Cave. It was ours to use since the Penguin, who was a friend of the Riddler was in prison. He could easily break out, but the world was so destroyed he didn’t want to. We rode there in the Alf-Mobile because it has a higher speed than the Riddler-Mobile On our way we saw signs that said: Soul Eating Animals of Greenland Unless we Lose to Lots of human Stupidity

Jon Us or you will pay, pay in BLOOD! Or they said: SEAGULLS If you want your life join us If you  Don’t, you Will pay Pay in BLOOD!

On the way there we sung Rocks and Trees by the Arrogant Worms. In the Pengy-Cave I found my spare vial of the disease. At this point in time you are probably wondering what the disease does. The disease turns all affected seagulls into hummingbirds. If a human consumes the material they will just get a stomachache, it tastes like seagull-hummingbird combo pizza. It is called humming-gull, or if you prefer hummingus gullius.  Then Austin the unicorn appeared. We cooked him for dinner. If you didn’t know unicorns taste like magic and rainbows. I sent the Riddler around with signs that said “I LIKE TWERTLES, so that he could put them over the seagull signs. I had our twertle army join us, and Xavier, and Judith arrived. I gave a speech, and at the end Xavier said: “The only thing we have to fear is giant man-eating seagulls.”

I realized that Judith was gone. Then I saw an obese seagull with a head coming out of its mouth. “The only thing we have to fear is that!” Xavier said. Our head twertle fought the seagull, but lost.

“No Squirtle twertle!” I yelled. The twertles were to slow to escape. Xavier took his bloody knife out of his fedora, Margaret took out a flamethrower, I took out an axe, and the twertles took out cannons, and fired them at the seagull. It somehow dodged all of the shots, so Xavier slashed it in half with his now more bloody knife. Margaret cooked the seagull with her flamethrower, and fed it to the twertles.  “I have an idea.” I said “We can spread the disease with squirt guns.”

“That would work.” Margaret said with excitement. 

We started buying squirt guns, and producing more of the toxin. The twertles were now armed with a good arsenal of weapons. Their arsenal included, but was not limited to cannons, toxic squirt guns, toxic bombs, and toxic cans of spray paint, and toxic grenades. Margaret kept cans of the toxin, so she could burn them, and they would spread with the fire. I encoated my axe with the toxin. We found a seagull, and shot it with a tracking device. I drove the Alf-Mobile behind it to get to Charlotte’s base. We reached the base which was a run-down library. It was called the Freeze-Joke-Worm Library. Xavier took his bloody knife out of his fedora. I took out my axe. The twertles took out squirt guns. Margaret burnt open a window, and threw a toxic bomb in. We all jumped in through the window. A seagull came to attack me, but I slashed it in half with my axe. It turned into two halves of a hummingbird. “It works.” Xavier said. 

The twertles shot the rest of the seagulls with squirt guns. We reached a room called Room X. I broke it open with my axe, pulled a peg out of a grenade with my mouth, and threw it tin. All the seagulls turned into hummingbirds. We came across Room Y. I opened it with my axe, and Xavier threw the grenade in. The room was now filled with hummingbirds. The next room was Room Z. I cut it open with my axe, and Margaret threw a bomb in. All the seagulls with the exception of one a very large one were now hummingbirds. I took out my axe. Xavier sharpened his knife. I went in for the first hit, but it used wizard powers to throw me backwards. Luckily, Xavier had gone in to strike with his now blood-smothered knife. He hit it hard, and it had one fewer wing now. The hit had obviously startled the bird, because he dropped me, over his head. I slashed his head open with my axe. It gave me so much momentum that I bounced off and the twertles caught me.

We walked to find Room Freeze. The door was opened, so we entered, only to find Mister Sir Philip Freeze of Library. “I’ve been expecting you.” He said. “I suspected Lord Zeagull would lose to you, but not this soon. No matter. You will make beautiful ice sculptures.” A twertle went in with an aqua cannon, but he used his ice powers to freeze the aqua, and bounce it towards us. We jumped out of the way, but Freeze now had an ice twertle. I took out my axe, but it froze. Xavier’s fedora was frozen. I had almost lost hope, but then I remembered Margaret had a flamethrower. I would’ve yelled to her, but it was so cold that the ice froze my lips shut. Fortunately she knew what to do, and burnt him to a crisp. All the ice evaporated. I retrieved my axe, Xavier his fedora. Then Arthur came in. “Well done.” He said. “I see I made a mistake betraying you, no matter. I want to take over the world to, he-he-he.”

Then we were startled when a giant book fell on him. The book opened, and Charlotte levitated out. “Arthur will you ever learn." She said. “I see you have beaten my army, but I am still the mastermind behind this, and I will destroy you!”

She crushed half the twertles with a giant book labeled: The words of earth. Xavier went in to strike. “No!” I yelled, but I was too late, Xavier was now a book. “Who’s next?” She yelled.  She threw a book labeled “The Time Machine” at me. As it came toward me it turned into a blue police call box. Of course, I thought, the books turned into their titles. I dodged it.

“Stay here and intercept her strikes, I have a plan.” I said to Margaret. I went in the time machine with a twertle, and started writing a short story called “Destruction of the Seagull Army”. I made several copies, and left the time machine, leaving the twertle behind. I put the copies on the bookshelf sneakily. Margaret and the twertles were defending themselves. I helped them. She launched a book called “The Sea of Monsters”. It turned into large oceanic monsters. She launched “BOMB”. It turned into a bomb. She launched “The Destruction of the Seagulls and Their Army.” She felt the pain immediately. The twertle came out with a book called “Xavier’s reincarnation.” She wizardified it, and Xavier returned. Xavier, Margaret, the twertles and I went in to strike, but we froze. “Enough!” Charlotte yelled. “You’re smarter than you look especially the fez wearing one. I have not surrendered, just postponed your inevitable death. Farewell!” She dissipated in a quick flash. We left the run-down Library to find hummingbirds.

“I think I have a plan.” Xavier said. He was wrong. We encountered Charlotte again, and were forced to surrender, or face the eternal torture of procedure writing pieces. We had no other option. We helped Charlotte take over the world, with seagulls, twertles, and hummingbirds. And so the saga has begun.

TO BE CONTINUED IN THE VILLAGE OF STAINS

Dictionary:

Fez: A Turkish hat worn commonly when graduating high 

school. It is usually red, green, or black.

Twertle: A species of turtles.

Wizardified: To use wizard powers on.